In my last post I discussed what has marriage and relationship expert John Gottman "the four horsemen of divorce" named. Gottman has for decades studying relationships from a scientific perspective, it may the characteristics to identify successful relationships and on the spot what breaks couples. If Gottman sees, defensive, contempt and drag in a relationship, he knows that a break is more likely occur up much.
Chances are that these four problems in your relationship to see. If you are struggling to be along and negativity has crept then tend to push the four riders their way. Not all is lost. You and your partner can turn things around by applying poisons the antidote to this relationship. Here is an explanation what you are:
Antidote against criticism - complains
I get that it sounds a bit strange but encourage you to complain more in your relationship, criticism and complaints are worlds. If we criticize we use blanket statements that include usually value judgments about our partners. Complaints do not. You specifically the problem which you unhappy about objective and let your partner every OK person. Look at these two examples, and feel the difference:
Criticism: "I asked you to fill the car so that I today evening without go it into the garage use with gasoline and forget could have as you always do!" "You are so selfish, this is typical for you!"
Complaint: "If you use the car and leave it without any gasoline I me angry feel." "Can you fill before you get home there in the future?"
The critical statement used "always" as a generalization ceiling ("never" can often be found criticism) and then moves with the partner "selfish" as ceiling label judgment. The typical response to such criticism would be defensive, because the partner needs to protect this personality attacks. Defensive is the second tab and punch drunk body of the relationship only strokes added.
The complaint focuses on the question and the feelings that the complainant felt. It is a great example of what Steiner named a "action/feeling statement". It explains exactly the partners what behaviors to your partner do next time want. There are no personal attacks and no generalizations. This statement is rather an apology, repair of the relationship.
Antidote for defensive-take responsibility
Defensive statements find their way into arguments, and the need to defend themselves if partners are under attack. If we are defensive we are really say "the problem is not me, it is that you". A defensive response to above criticism might look like this:
"I always the auto fill petrol and I am sick to do it." "As always, you never asked me to fill it, before I left".
This is like pouring gasoline on a fire - argument will only go up to the point worse where it is impossible to recover.
Instead of the defensive we have for our actions to take. Steiner speaks about the grain of truth in any complaint from your partner in his book "achieving emotional literacy". It is required, some truth in your partner complaint to fess up and apologize! If we do, we will repair also add the argument that should things and sooth your partner deescalate.
Antidote to contempt - praise and pride
Gottman means that the most harmful four horsemen contempt. The other riders in small quantities can be present in stable happy relationships, but it is NULL contempt. The antidote is love. With your partner be positive, praising if you can. Be proud of their achievements, and tell you. As I write this it brings my own parents in mind. You have certainly reached what is called in the Imago therapy "conscious relationship". Don't get me wrong, you have your moments and argue here and there.
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